March 29, 2012 Scaachi Koul

No, Chris Jones did not write about his wife giving him the terror clamp, thank you

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Esquire‘s Chris Jones—and homegrown Canadian writer—is under fire for a 370-word post about how some women aren’t as good in bed as they may think they are.

“I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there,” wrote Jones below an admittedly creepy illustration of a naked woman smoking and a man’s shadow looming in front of her. (Bonus points for making a spare change joke the same day we rid ourselves of the lowly penny.)

“The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car.” Oooh, stop, you’re getting me all hot and bothered.

The Twitter reaction has been mixed, but much of it has been shocked indignation.Gawker took it one step further, saying that the post boiled down to a question of “Why don’t women fuck me better?”

The writer, John Cook, suggested the piece had something to do with Jones’s wife, Lee, whom he married in 2003. Cook advised Lee to “Lose the ‘terror clamp’ every time two-time National Magazine Award-winning magazine writer Chris Jones attempts to perform cunnilingus on you.” Hey, who wouldn’t mind being referred to as a two-time National Magazine Award-winning magazine writer in bed? We all have our kinks.

Jones’s reaction? “Do you really think I’m going to write that my wife does the terror clamp when I go down on her?” Christ, for her sake, I hope not.

“I’m guessing John Cook’s a single dude without kids,” Jones told us over the phone. “Once he started packing on my wife, that starts crossing a line. I thought that was pretty dirty pool.”

Certainly, the post looks bad out of context, painting women as starfishes in bed, served to men on platters who are then expected to be overjoyed at the mere sight of a couple of perky tits. Jones, however, clarifies his statements by the final graph. “The bottom line is that if your sex life is bad, you bear at least some of the blame—maybe even an entire half of it. Do you want better, more satisfying sex?” (Yes, please.) “Tell your eager man what you’d like him to do to you….You’re not a slut if you like sex.”

Call it slut shaming—even though Jones explicitly states that women are treated unfairly in the realm of sex politics—but no woman would get the same backlash for criticizing her own gender that Jones has gotten in a few short hours. “Constantly, guys are told when people aren’t good in bed, he’s got a small dick, he comes too quickly. This goes both ways,” says Jones. “There’s a double standard that exists because women have been treated incorrectly for so long. Sex should be a fun and awesome thing people do to pass the time together.”

The post isn’t about telling all women they’re bad in bed. It’s not about criticizing women for their bodies. It’s about explaining to some women that to have good sex, you need to be comfortable with your own equipment. But that’s the nice thing about writing. It gives context, even up until the 370th word.

Besides, Jones gets the last word. “This is only good for me,” he told the Review. “Thanks for all the hits.”

Image via Flickr user FontShop.